Sad fact…

I was doing a deep dive into my YouTube stats and discovered that over the last 28 days my video on depression has gotten the most watch time of all my videos. While I’m happy to say that its performing well for how small my channel is, it is also depressing that 75% of the traffic is coming from people searching for either “autism depression” or “autism anxiety”. These are apparently two hot topics for us, and I wish I could make a video that magically helps people who stumble across it, but the sad fact is I constantly struggle with both depression and anxiety with no magic button or cure all since I only ever rise above them for short bursts of time before I’m down again. I’m currently in a good state of mind… but for how long?… Perhaps just making another video on the topic and sending a message of “you are not alone & this is nothing to be ashamed of” would be helpful? I don’t know… but it is something to think about…

Maybe I should have started this post off with “dear diary” since this is basically my inner mono-log that I’m just happening to put on the internet. lol


While working on my next video (yes there is a new video coming out finally. Still working on it. but soon!) I had a question pop into my head. What is a good creed, mantra, or pledge that is both positive and a coping mechanism? Then after an hour of bouncing around ideas I came up with A.S.P.I.E.

Always Strategize Prepare Initiate Execute

Always – as in not sometimes, not occasionally, but consistently and in everything

Strategize – Nothing is impossible regardless of what challenges are involved so long as you take the time to make a plan or 12 (gotta have backups)

Prepare – Similar to strategize, but I mean this in more of terms of having everything you need to execute the plan. Ear defends? check… Stim toy… check… Blue prints of the venue you are going to dinner at complete with an idea of what area has the best acoustics to sit at… check…

Initiate – Having a plan and being prepared doesn’t help anything if you don’t actually start what you have planned. Have faith in the plan and courage enough to initiate it!

Execute – If you did everything you could in the previous steps then a successful execution of the plan should be easy at this point! Complete it like a pro and pat yourself on the back! Great job!

These 5 steps are crucial to being a good Aspie when going outside of a comfort zone or breaking away from a routine! I intend to cover these 5 steps in my next video which is about surviving thriving at a concert where sensory overload can easily occur.

Also, since there is not a very large selection of adult autism clothing and everything is based around children with bright colors and puzzle pieces. I’ve decided to start designing some adult autism related clothing, and I’m starting very simple with…

Available at Tee-Spring and hopefully soon to be on Amazon.

Friendships of My Life

Good friends are rare. Good friends that are healthy for you are even rarer. For me at least… I’ve never had many friends, and obtaining and maintaining them takes a lot of work for me as its not my natural state of being. Over the years I have had many good friendships and some very unhealthy ones as well. Today I’m just going to take some time to talk about them in the hopes that someone can relate. (disclaimer, this only covers people who I have met in real life.)

My good friends came in the 2nd grade. I was given the assignment of finding 2 friends at school and to bring the numbers home so that my mother could setup some play dates. She knew I didn’t have any friends and hoped this would break me out of my shell. It did give me 2 friends (Josh & Derek) even if I stayed in my shell. These friendships were good for years as we all had the same interests and that common ground was enough for us.

Then I moved away from Florida and bounced around a little bit, but the next close friend that I had was in Kentucky (Brandon). This one was also forced by my mother, but to less than ideal results. I did have fun a lot of the time, and I utilized it as an escape from some of the family problems that started to manifest in my life. However, he was actually a bit of a bully to me and anyone else. As time went on his antics went from bully to slashing tires and setting things on fire, including the roof of a car. I didn’t participate, but I didn’t try to talk him out of it either. Thankfully we moved back to Florida as his behavior started to escalate. Last I heard he had spent a few runs in jail for various crimes. I can’t say I’m surprised.

So now I’m back in Florida where my old friends from the 2nd grade are, but things are not like I left them. Derek was starting down a path of substance abuse at the age of 14. I tried to maintain the friendship, but it was difficult because he started to focus more on going to parties instead of just hanging out. About this time my mother made another attempt at getting me friends and they started sending me to a church youth group once a week. This was a turning point for me because I made some friends that ended up branching into other friends. I met my best friend. Went to dances. Had regular get together for bowling. Volunteered as floor crew for the high school color guard so that I could hang out with my friends in guard. Went to different band competitions because I had friends in band as well. Most of the people I was with were not close friends.. I only managed to get a couple of those… and much of the time I was the quiet awkward one, but nobody judged me for it and they excepted me and my inappropriate humor with open arms… It was great… I actually had the energy for it too because I was home schooled and I would use the week days to recover from the madness of the weekend.

Above describes the majority of 14-18 years old. However, at 16 Derek died in a car accident. I don’t know if it was drug/alcohol related, but they lost control of the vehicle on a perfectly clear day in an area where the speed limit was only 40 mph… So it was either drugs/alcohol or just his reckless abandon that lead them to those things in the first place… Either way, it left a scar. Combine that with some other things in my life that I will not speak of publicly (until the other parties involved have passed away at least) and I have never and will never do drugs of any kind or drink alcohol… I know too well what excess in those sort of things can do to people… When I was around 18 my other friend from when I was young (Josh). Started down a similar path as Derek with drugs and alcohol. I tried to be a positive influence and keep him from going from using to abusing. However, they were becoming his life and I severed all ties because I didn’t want to watch something like that happen again in my life. I know that what I did hurt him, but it was not easy on me either. I needed to choose who would take most of the mental stress… him or me… I chose me and I would do it again because his life went exactly the direction I thought it would… He’s alive… and a slave to substance…

My next round of friends was not until after college. I gained them at work in the call center. Its actually funny because my first Christmas party @ work I knew only the people I reported to and I had been there a year. The next one I go to, I have 100ish people introducing me to their spouse, shaking hands, and at the end of the night me and my closest friends are in a hot tub having a good ole time. These friendships are the ones I maintain the most right now. having spent up to 5 years working with them has forged some strong bonds and I have the luxury of these people being at a point in their life where they have already developed into who they would eventually be. I may only see them every few months now that I’m not working there any more… but I’m ok with that because I know their not going anywhere and I don’t have the energy I used to for going out to public places (thanks anxiety).

Cool. So whats the point of all of this? Well… There are several. The first is people change and can grow apart. It doesn’t mean that the friendship didn’t mean anything. Its just life. The second is that I’ve had moments in my life where I had a lot of “friends”, but I’ve always only had a few “good friends” at a time. Don’t measure friends by the number you have. Measure friendship by the strength of the bonds between you. I would rather have 1 good friend than the have everyone in entire world as regular friends.

Tickets to GFM

I have not been to a concert in over 7 years due to overload. Not sensory overload, but overload in general from stress from work and what not leaving me with no energy when my days off come around. Typically my go to thing to do on days off would be to hide in my house away from people in an attempt to recover and prepare for next week.

Whats weird I really enjoy going to concerts if I like the music (I’m very picky) but everything that goes along with a concert would normally cause me to shutdown. The loude noise, crowd, and horrible smells of alchohal, smoke and sweat are normally overwhelming. However, if you add in a band that I really like instead of shutting down I become energized by it.

GFM is a band I have come to like over the last 2-3 years and have a show June 14th at the House of Blues in Orlando Florida and they said they would mail me tickets to come see them that night. So for the first time since 2010 I will be going to a concert.

Now here is the big question I’ve been asking myself since they said their mailing me tickets… My anxiety has gotten much worse since back in 2010. Will it still energize me? or will it degrade to just anxiety? Fingers crossed for energy but I shall find out.


I’ve had an idea bouncing around in my head now for over a month. The idea is simply to share other peoples stories in the form of interviews. On my channel people only hear my experiences, and even if we took all the autistic YouTubers and combined them its still only a small fraction of the community. I’m open to interviewing someone on my channel or swapping interviews with someone from another channel. I think its a great way of not only networking within the community but sharing stories that may otherwise go untold from those who are not normally sharing their stories on the internet.

While the idea is not 100% my own as this has been done previously. It is still something I would like to explore. If anyone reading this is interested please feel free to reach out to me via social media or

I will beat depression.

Anyone who has watched my thank you for 1,000 subscribers video will know that I’ve once again been fighting depression. Well, on 4/17 I decided I’d had enough and beating depression is my new goal and I plan to focus on it until I’ve overcome it. The plan…

#1) Force myself into a regular sleep pattern once again. Due to my unemployment my sleep has no anchor since I no longer have a time I need to get up and staying in bed 10-12 hours a day is my new normal. Once I get this back on track I may have more energy.

#2) Go outside. I don’t care for leaving my house most days and as a result I stay inside without natural light. My goal is 1 hour a day outside (weather permitting).

#3) Get a better diet. When I’m not feeling the greatest I go to my comfort foods, which is mainly fast food, pizza, and sweets. This is potentially lowering my energy and just getting me further into depression so I will try to take conscious efforts to eat correct portions and not as much junk food.

#4) Set daily productivity goal and meet them. When I’m not feeling well I don’t do everything on my to do list. It stacks up, and adds to the depression because I’m not getting anything done. Its a vicious circle and it needs to be broken.

#5) Exercise. This goes with #2 as I don’t go out and exercise much and when I was working I walked every day on my lunch break. I need to get back into the habit of exercising.

I believe that with these 5 things I can break free of my depression. Hopefully it will only take a few weeks, but either way I intend to document portions of it just in case I decide to do a video on overcoming depression. Wish me luck.

Prejudice Is The Rot of Society

Anyone who has ever been online has probably seen their share of online toxicity in the forms of trolls, racists, and narrow minded bigots. It is too be expected. Today when I woke up I checked my phone and saw that someone left a comment on my sensory processing disorder video saying that I had it all wrong. I immediately became annoyed because I spent a good deal of time researching that video, but then concerned because I’m human and I may have said something incorrect.

I went to my PC and pulled the comments to see if there was any more information to discover that this person left 4 comments on this video, and 2 of them got flagged by YouTube. The first one said something along the lines of “I have autism, you have it all wrong. go back to Africa”, followed by one that called me a “goat ****er”, another that called me gay, and then finally the one that said “You have got it all wrong”.

The 4th comment left me concerned… I was indifferent about the 3rd comment… But I was totally confused about the first 2 comments… Then I realized what shirt I was wearing. It was my coke shirt from Israel written in Arabic. A gift from a good friend of mine who went there for several months. Then I realized that all 4 comments came from that one persons prejudice towards people from the middle east, and seeing a shirt in Arabic turned them to be hateful towards me. I not longer felt worried or offended. Instead I felt concerned for society as a whole.

Incidents like this are very sad because people like that cause unnecessary division and many people take it to heart when they should simply ignore it. This person became angry with the thought of me being from the middle east even though I’m from the United States and my family came here from Spain 4 generations previous and my genetics are now a mix of Spanish, Irish, Welch, German, Native American and who knows what else. I’m a mutt, but that is beside the point because even if I was from the middle east it should not matter what my heritage, genetics, or sexuality are because we are all human. People should be judged by their character because its the only thing they can control and everything else was decided for them.

Furthermore this person claimed to have autism. I know this is one person, but I just want to put this out there because if there is one there is most likely more… If you want to be accepted (this is autism awareness month where we work towards acceptance after all…) you must learn to accept others as well. equality and understanding is a two way street. It cannot be obtained without effort from everyone.

Combating Burnout & Visiting Family

Hello everyone. Today’s post and Thursdays video (if everything goes according to plan) is an attempt to keep from experiencing burnout. This is actually inspired by Invisible I’s video announcing her break from YouTube that she dropped several hours ago.

Unless you are on YouTube, you may not know how much work goes into a video with all the keyword research, scripting, making a thumbnail & title, filming, refilming, editing, SEO, inserting cards/endscreens, and promoting. That 10 minute video can be 8 hours of work. When you set a goal of 2 videos a week that can mean 16 hours of work on top of whatever else you have going on in your life. If you don’t have the energy you’re options are skip a video, or work through it and go down the path of burnout. I typically choose to skip, because burnout is a larger issue than a single missed video. However, a little known fact is that there is always a 3rd side of every coin, or a 3rd option in this case.

What if I made a video on something that gives me energy? What if I made a video of me playing a video game, skating, or doing something else I love and just do a voice over of why I love it, how it helps me, and how it relates to my autism? It would still be educational, but it would also be less of work on my part and more of sharing something I love…

So Thursday (if everything goes according to plan) I will drop a different type of video. One that will hopefully give me energy instead of take, and one that everyone can still enjoy, relate to, and be educated by. If people like it, then that means I have an option for weeks where I’m a little low on energy. If not, then lesson learned and I will go back to skipping videos.

As for skipping videos, you may have noticed I did not post a video yesterday. This was due to being drained from having family in from out of town. My sister and nephew dropped in for 3 days, and while I enjoyed my time with them, it also sucked the life out of me because it was much different from my normal routine, was a lot of social interaction, and I had little “me” time. So when the deadline was approaching I decided to forget recording because burnout is simply something I don’t need if I can avoid it.

Happy Wed-nes-day

Am I the only person that says Wednesday as 3 separate words mentally? Same thing with island… its weird… Like my brain breaks words into small pieces and stores in the individual components. When I’m using them inside my own head I use the little components… When I go to talk its automatically converted (most of the time) into the proper way of saying it…. Now that I think about it my inner mono-log I hear inside my head is British also… Maybe I’m just crazy… *shrug*

Autism Awareness – My thoughts On How To Build Acceptance

Hello again everyone. Since today is 4/2 and its the official awareness day I wanted to share a website and some thoughts that have been nagging at me for over a month.

First the website is Aspie Project and I mentioned it in my 1000 subscribers video. It has gone live today if you wish to check it out.

Second, I am personally very happy with the term “Autism Awareness”. However, many people have been replacing this with “Autism Acceptance” and it conflicts with my logic. Allow me to elaborate…

People cannot accept what they do not understand. People cannot understand what they have not learned. People cannot learn something they are not aware of first… This is my train of thought and it has awareness as its foundation, Education as the walls, and acceptance as the roof (if we are comparing it to a building). With people wanting to skip to acceptance means there is half a foundation and only a few walls up, but they wish to start on the roof. The building will most likely collapse and take all progress with it.

Currently there are still many misconceptions of autism. Like “its a children’s disease”, “Its just a behavioral problem that can be fixed”, “people with autism are just like Rainman”, and that “everyone is a little autistic”… These examples are common enough to that the education portion is not yet complete, so if anything it should be autism education day/week/month, but I’ll settle for awareness as many people are still not even aware of what autism really is, and its the first step.

If people are both aware of and educated in what autism is, then acceptance will happen on its own. If you want acceptance I challenge you to step outside your comfort zone and help us build up to that by not only showing your pride and saying “I have autism”, but go out of your way to help educate people in a constructive manner. Ask questions to find what their misconceptions are and don’t get angry if their misconceptions are stereo types. They don’t know any better and its not their fault. Instead take that energy and use it in a positive way to educate. THIS is how we get acceptance. Not by getting angry and ranting on twitter on how NT’s don’t understand and not by simply demanding or wishing for acceptance and expecting it to appear out of thin air.

End of rant… all thoughts and opinions above are my own and should not be taken as anything other than 1 persons thoughts and opinions.